Applesauce Penguin, Brother

Let’s take a moment to say goodbye to The Vampire Diaries. Caution: below, there be spoilers.

Remember how we all wondered, “Gee, what would have happened if Katherine met Kai”? No? You never cared? Well, neither did we, but we got our answer anyway. They’re besties in hell. Thanks for the evil duo we never wanted.

The series finale had nice repraisals for Vicki, Lexi, Tyler, Jeremy, Liz, and Elena/Katherine.

Finally, Stefan got to be the martyr he’s wanted to be for eight seasons.

Damon and Elena: anti-climactic ending. She’s sitting in the cemetery, wearing her scrubs, writing in her diary, talking about how she’s grown old. She and Damon walk off into the sunset, and they don’t look a day over twenty. If you wanted them to “grow old,” give them some old-age makeup and salt-and-pepper wigs.

So…what happened? Did Bonnie destroy hell? Where do people go when they die now? Remember that whole inter-dimensional space Bonnie created? Is Kai still there, being tortured? Or is that where everyone goes when they die? Is she the gate to the afterlife (again)?

Caroline. Poor, sweet Caroline. You got screwed again, but they left it open for another chance at romance with Klaus. What happens when syphon children get ahold of an Original?

One great thing about this show: I hope it’s launched careers for my favorite actors.

Ian Somerhalder. Lost launched his career, and he was a douche in Life As a House, but Damon Salvatore is the iconic bad boy he was born to play. I would pay to see him as an action hero.

Kat Graham. I love her. I want to see her and Jasmine Guy together in a light, fun comedy series, like Sabrina the Teenage Witch (without Sabrina. Also without the creepy puppet-cat.).

Matthew Davis. He tried to leave TVD for another WB show that didn’t last a full season. They resurrected his dead character – that’s how much he meant to the show. I’m going to miss him.

Candice King. Besides the possible crossover to The Originals, I hope she finds the fame she deserves on a show that allows her a happy ending.

Chris Wood. If you watched the show, you probably hated Kai as much as I do, but this kid has sociopathic-joker-serial-killer down to a science. I looked him up on IMDB. He’s on Supergirl. I should probably be watching Supergirl.

I’m sure we will continue to see stars of TVD for years to come. I wish them all the best, but I am glad it’s over.

In closing, I’d like to play a song for Bonnie and Enzo. This is the biggest reason I hated this season and this show. Where the fuck is the happy ending?