Consequences

I never seem to find the balance between socializing and nose-to-the-grindstone work. There is no happy medium. Either I’m completely immersed in a task, or I’m goofing off. Today started with an hour-wasting email and ended with three hours of meetings. I had to chalk today in the “goof off” column. The whole blessed day. That rarely happens to me.

The consequences for goofing off: I feel like a failure. I see my worth, or value, only as it pertains to my productivity. My ability to give love to others and be a sounding board for ideas does not even factor into my self worth. Even though I know I’m fucked up, it’s hard to break this habit and learn a new value system.

To feel like I can accomplish SOMETHING today, I need to do my chores, work out, and rewrite some more scenes before bed. I’ve already found a few distractions to hinder success (including Manga – woot!). I might as well succumb to the loss of a day, but I’m no quitter. I will nag myself into writing at least one more page of scene descriptions tonight. Then, and only then, will I be able to go to sleep.

(This blog brought to you by the letters yo よand mu む, and lack of sleep😫. Stay tuned for our next blog, which had better be brought to you by 書,き,ま, and す.)