Still an Ally
I was asked to participate in a panel for National Coming Out Day. I was supposed to be the ally on the panel. If you read this blog, you know me well enough to know that once I know something about me, I consider it a lie if I don’t share the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
I’ve been out as demisexual on the blog for awhile. I’ve written some posts about it: Rumors, The Struggle Is Real, and Positive Intent. I’ve also written about being an ally, so I get how this is super confusing.
The truth is, nothing changed. I’m still me. I’ve been this way my whole life. I discovered early on I didn’t feel the same way about boys as my sisters did. In school, I was labeled all the hard, nasty-sounding words kids use to call you different, from dyke to carpet-licker, transvestite to “you don’t pass today, just so you know.” (My mom cut my hair right before seventh grade. The nasty jokes lasted the whole year.)
I tried to fit in. I had boyfriends. I had girls I didn’t know wanting “sleepovers” at my house (because rumors. Only NOW do I understand what that meant. At the time, I was like, “You don’t even like me. We live in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do. What the hell?”) By the time I was in tenth grade, the guys at my school treated me the way Eddie’s mom treats Beverly in It: https://youtu.be/ekpUEXxqgNU
I made poor life decisions to find boys to date. I went on a date with a guy I met at an amusement park, and it went badly. I asked a friend to set me up with a “nice guy,” who happened to be in college, and he tried to kill me. Yes, I fell in love with him. Yes, I was attracted to him, when he was a decent human being. When he was a dick, I didn’t want to fuck him any more, and then he cheated on me. We’d break up, and then he’d act like a decent human being, and we’d get back together because I wanted him again… I’d probably be dead now, if I hadn’t met Lemur.
I’ve blogged about meeting Lemur, too. What’s not to love? He’s never been anything but wonderful to me. I fell for him so hard, so fast, it must have been what it’s like to be normal.
Except I’m not normal. I recognize beauty, but I don’t feel sexual attraction to people unless I have a strong emotional connection. Not even then, if I’m honest. I have a strong emotional connection with my friends, but they’re my FAMILY. I’m lucky to have so many great friends I now consider family. ❤
It’s hard for me to trust people, so it’s hard to build a relationship from “meh-acquaintance” to “friend/family.” With some people (T, J, and Bird) I KNOW I’m going to be friends with them because everything I know before we even meet is so refreshingly honest. With others, their words never outweigh the distrust in my gut. I don’t let people use me. I REALLY distrust anyone who tries too hard to be my friend. I blame high school.
I’m out at work. I’m out on the blog, so out to the family that matters. I would come out to my parents, but I think they’d be confused. Even after I explained it, I think some people are still confused. The usual response to demisexual is, “So…what…you’re normal?” If I want to write an allosexual character with a healthy libido, he’s attracted to… well… everything, including some well-hung fruits. That’s not my experience. I’m not that interested in bananas, cucumbers, or this lovely grapefruit.
Or…I could be wrong. Maybe I don’t know what’s going on. (Wouldn’t grapefruit juice sting?) I’m also over-exaggerating. None of my characters have been attracted to “everything,” but you get the point.
If it makes you feel better to think of me as an ally, that’s fine with me. Just don’t ask me any more questions that begin, “As a woman…” because #notallwomen.