• Edie Montreux

Tuesday’s Top Ten: Absurd Incidents While Traveling

I missed Saturday because I was in California for my nephew’s graduation. Love that kid. So glad he is done with high school and can now pursue something close to both our hearts: writing video game content.

While I was there, some normal shit happened. Graduation (YAY KID!). Father’s Day (HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to all of my fatherly readers!). Birthdays (YAY PEEPS!).

However, some weird shit also happened.

10. Liquid Disaster. Forgot to take the liquids out of my bag when running my stuff through security. The worst part: no one cared. Eek.


9. Airport Traffic Sucks. My sister said it was even worse than usual. I almost missed my return flight, which would have really sucked. I flew a budget airline that only travels between LA and Des Moines on Fridays and Mondays.


8. Graduation Amazeballs. Graduation for over 700 students took less time than an Iowa graduation for 430 students. Necessity is the mother of invention, and there are some secrets here that should be shared with every 4A school in Iowa. Five minute speeches. Two people walking at once. Two announcers working in tandem, rapid-firing names.


7. Family First: Costco Cake. My family knows the wonders of Costco, but had never tried COSTCO CAKE?! Oh, the humanity! We remedied that. We had a red velvet cake after the graduation ceremony, and a sheet cake at the party.


6.  A party guest mistook me for the help.


My parents and I sat behind the food table to avoid people (“FOOD YOU! Stop talking to me.”) One of the dudes looked at me like he expected me to serve his fucking food, but all I did was point to the plates, asked him to choose a bun, and held the lid off the crock pots (there were four) so he could serve himself. He told my sister’s friends, and soon, they all thought she’d hired someone to serve the food, someone who did not do well. Um…no. Next time, I’ll let him burn his hands on the hot lids and drop his plate on the ground.

5.  I Ran Away. (Again.)


That shouldn’t surprise anyone. I went for a walk in the middle of my nephew’s graduation party. My dad went with me. I didn’t have room to pack a Father’s Day present, so I hope all of our walks made up for it. I spent a lot of time with my dad on this trip, just hanging out and watching the rat race.

4. I had a panic attack. My sister asked me to walk into a roomful of strangers, to be introduced as her sister. Who wants an unwanted impromptu interview? Not this girl. I’m not worthy to meet my sister’s friends. I’m not California-caliber. I’m not rich, and I’m not about to fake it. I love my job but I don’t make the bank that my sister’s friends do. I’m happy, but they won’t understand that. My brother-in-law has told me I’m worth more than this all my life, but this is where I’m comfortable and happy. I can step out of my comfort zone to go to California every once in awhile, but I need to come home to my peeps.


3. I Became a Church Fountain. The priest at St. Edward the Confessor in Dana Point asked all the little children to come up to the front of the church and sit on the anvil for the homily. (Shut up. I can pretend I’m still Catholic.) I stood between my dad and my mom. My sister was already sniffing and snorting from allergies. Then, my mom started to cry because it was sweet, watching the little kids listen to how they should care for their mother and father. When my mom cries, I cry. Thank you to the nice gentleman who led the way to the outdoor restrooms so I could clean up instead of shaking hands with people. Peace off!


2. Weird Work Thing. My boss IM’d me to ask if I wanted to take a work trip . I guess going on vacation by myself and actually getting on the plane means I can travel for work, too.


1. Bitch pulled my hair. The graduation ceremony was outside on the school football field. We arrived at 3, and they let us into the bleachers at 3:30. Graduation started at 5. That’s a long time to wait. To pass the time, the older women behind us decided to nitpick everyone and everything in the stands. A woman with tattoo sleeves. A man with a long beard. A woman with what looked like baby oil smeared all over her back. My mom’s hat, borrowed from my sister. And then, “Wow, that girl must be really hot under that wig.” I wore a cute little newsboy hat over my overlarge hair, which expanded in the ninety-plus degree heat. At first, I didn’t think they were talking about me, though. Until I felt a tug on one strand of hair.


Remember in preschool, when kids used to pull hair? THAT HURTS! I grabbed my hair, pulled it over my shoulder, and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, am I in your way?” No response. I didn’t have the balls to turn around and confront her. When another couple came and sat by my dad, pushing us down toward the fun family with the hilarious aunt of one of the graduates, I could relax. But goddamn, that’s so rude. Do NOT pull someone’s hair. What if it had been a wig? What if it had come off? Lemur said he was glad he wasn’t there, or he would have punched a bitch.