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Tuesday’s Top Ten: Action Movies

I was going to call this my top ten movies in 2015, but keep in mind, I don’t watch movies in the year they are released, in most cases. I saw Fury Road on the plane to San Francisco (briefly, but the lovely woman next to me kept changing the channel with her elbow, so I never had a chance to see the whole thing), and then watched it for real on HBO over the holidays. The other movie I saw this year? Star Wars: I Would Insert Subtitle Here But It Doesn’t Even Matter. I have yet to see The Martian, even though the book was phenomenal and I know the movie will be just as amazing.

With that in mind, these are my favorite ten action movies that I have seen more than once and would watch again: (Most of these have sequels worthy of being on this list, but won’t because they’re sequels. Also, you won’t see Bond on this list. I could do a top ten James Bond movies on its own.)

10. Lethal Weapon. Back when my parents owned the VHS cassette, before Mel Gibson went fucking crazy, the original Lethal Weapon, was gritty and adult. (The worst thing I did as a kid was watch my parents’ rated R movies before I turned 17.) This was bromance before there was bromance, and both Mel Gibson and Danny Glover were HOT.


9. Sherlock Holmes. Maybe I just like bromance action movies. The funny thing: I don’t even like Jude Law. Robert Downey Jr. makes up for that tenfold. (As one would expect. He IS Iron Man, after all. And no, I’m not saying he can only act one part. He plays Sherlock and Tony Stark well, and not at all the same.)


8. Con Air. First, it’s a terrible, horrible, crying shame what happened to that Corvette. Yes, I know Nicholas Cage is in it. So is Malkovich. Cusack. Buscemi. Ving Fucking Rhames. Danny Trejo. It’s a sausage fest. No wonder I like it. There are only four women listed in the cast. Four.


7. Desperado. I know what you’re thinking–Edie, this is a sequel. I’ve seen El Mariachi, and Desperado is on another level. It doesn’t even seem fair to compare the two as the same genre, let alone the same story.


Anyway: why I love Desperado: The local drug lord uses a book store as a front. A book store. Run by Salma Hayek.

6. Kill Bill Vols. 1 and 2. It’s not always about the boys. Sometimes, it’s about The Bride, and her revenge. (And Lemur’s Moon Goddess, Lucy Liu…)


5. Gladiator. First, I love the music. Second, I love the story. Third, this movie set the stage for a television favorite: Spartacus.


4. The Professional. I love this movie. I love the characters, Leon and Mathilda. I love Leon’s innocence, and the contrast with Mathilda’s worldliness. At twelve, she has seen a whole lot of life, and none of it good (except her little brother). Gary Oldman is…well, he’s Gary Oldman. This movie is a fascinating character study with bullets.


3. 300. “This is SPARTA.” Sepia. Bleak. Yes, I know, I bitch about Titanic, everyone knows the ending, blah blah blah. The tale of Thermopylae is quite a bit older, and while the Spartans lost to the Persians, the Greek assembled army was enough to push them back to the east. It is a tale of sacrifice for purpose. It is also a tale of hubris. The mighty Spartan army, defeated by a young man shunned for his disability. Action movie and morality play: for those of us who like to think and feel when we watch movies.


2. Die Hard. Not much to think about here. John McClane Kicks Ass, Part I. Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfuckers. Still my favorite Christmas movie of all time. What.


1. Mad Max: Fury Road. My new favorite movie. I’ve already seen it three times. Considering I don’t have time to watch movies, but then it’s on HBO and I get hooked, that’s saying a lot. I love Furiosa. I love Max as crazed lunatic roaming the desert, Max as blood bag, Max as opportunist, and Max as hero. I love this movie so much. Nux. Oh, poor sweet Nux. He is the soul of Fury Road, and without him, this movie would have been empty noise. Fun, don’t get me wrong, but noise.


For disagreements, talk to the Emperor:


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