Tuesday’s Top Ten: Pet Peeves
10. People who constantly talk about your ____.
You know what ____ is. That thing that everyone has talked about since the time you were a baby. For me, it’s hair. My superstitious grandma thought I was going to be a werewolf because I had lanugo. I guess there was a dark strip all the way down my back. I know, terrifying. Now, everyone wants to talk about how curly it is. Or how thick it is. Or how long it is. It’s like they think it’s going to be a surprise. “Oh really? It’s thick, curly, and long? I never noticed. Thanks for pointing that out for me.”
However, I DO understand when the people who see me every day notice, “Holy shit…your hair is twice as long today as it was yesterday.” Yeah. That’s the change in humidity.
9. That long awkward pause where people talk about your ____, while you’re trying to think of something non-snarky to say. Um…well…
“Thank you,” only works so many times in a row. You get to a point where you hurl them like insults. “Thank you. Thank you. Just–thank you. Okay? THANK YOU.”
8. Asshole drivers. This is #8 because I don’t even drive. It would be #1 if I had to put up with distracted drivers on their cell phones all the time, the way Lemur does.
7. People who aren’t content with what they have and always want something else. It’s never enough.
6. People who grill you to find out why you like something. Mika’s new CD arrived in the mail today. (WOOHOO!!) I can’t explain what I like about Mika’s music. He’s heavily influenced by Queen, but that isn’t it. The French have a phrase for shit they just feel but can’t pinpoint: je ne sais quoi. That’s Mika, to me. Now leave me alone and let me listen to my CD.
5. People who openly stare but never have the balls to say anything to you. Yes, my hair has its own zip code, but I try to keep it relatively tame. At least, I think it’s tame. If it’s causing you to have a stroke and your eyes keep bugging out of your head like that, walk the fuck over and tell me to pull it back in a ponytail. See? How hard was that?
4. People who ask for advice they never take. We all have that one friend who likes to talk about her problems all day, every day, and asks what she should do, but when you give her advice, she won’t take it, even if it’s the most logical thing in the world.
“Leaky faucet? Call a pumber.” “Ah, no. I don’t have the money for that…do you think I could stop the leak with the hide of one of the squirrels in my yard?” “Yeah. You go kill a squirrel to fix your faucet.” Nod and back away slowly.
3. People who still think, “That’s so gay,” is an acceptable thing to say.
Stop using gay as an insult and say what you mean. Is it ugly? Is it fabulous? What is it?
2. People who break the number one rule in customer service:
If you’re a dick to me, I’ll leave your fucking company. My worst customer service experience was with our former cable company (we now have DirectTV). Our internet went down over Father’s Day weekend, and we went out of town to see my dad. I called the Monday after Father’s Day, waited on the line for 30 minutes before I could speak to a real person, and the asshole told me that I “didn’t have my priorities straight,” because I didn’t call right away on Friday before we went out of town. Fuck you. My father will always be a higher priority than the internet. Maybe you’d better find a job where you never speak to another human being.
1. Word Crimes. I wouldn’t be a writer if I didn’t cringe every time I saw a meme that uses your instead of you’re, or there instead of their or they’re. Today, I saw several while searching for the best memes for this blog. Were instead of We’re. Poor spelling choices that weren’t even LOLCatz. I have so many language pet peeves.
At the top, putting an apostrophe in “its” when it’s not a contraction.
“That cat has it’s paw in it’s mouth.” “It is paw in it is mouth? THE HELL YOU SAY!”
Every example in Weird Al’s “Word Crimes” irritates me. And why does Prince get off easy? He should still use proper English.
Oh…and irregardless. Irregardless is not a word. Regardless is what you mean.Or irrespective. Use one of them. Stop trying to combine them.
What’s your top pet peeve?