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  • Writer's pictureEdie Montreux

Tuesday’s Top Ten: Things Edie Said Today

We’ve already had a chat about my crazy PMS. The cramps seem to dampen my filters, and then I say things I really shouldn’t say. To anyone. Ever. Yet, the following are the ten best sayings today, at least the ones I can share with a larger audience. (Lemur knows…)

10. “Karma. I hope he got a concussion. I hope he gets CTE.” I don’t really hope someone gets CTE. I’m angry because some asshole tore up our front yard with what appears to be a very large truck in the middle of the night.

9. “Vax your kids, Chicago!” (Upon watching a commercial for an upcoming episode of some Chicago-based doctor show, the name of which I’ve never cared to learn.)

8. “What, only black people, dancers, and cowboys get Hep C?” (Another commercial for a Hep C drug. Daytime television commercials are the worst!)

7. Lemur: “They can’t just pull into the bar parking lot. They have to pull into the sex store parking lot, and then drive through to the bar parking lot. Like they’re scared or something.” Me: “It’s a spoooooooky street!” (It would have to be, if the sex store parking lot is a better alternative. Or we have kinky neighbors…hmm…)

6. Lemur: holds up large cup I removed from my car’s cup holder, the cup holder still on the cup. Me: “That happens all the time! Poor design choice, Chevy!“

5. “I can’t do the thing, but I came here for the Burger King.” Don’t judge me. I almost stayed home.

4. “Maybe I do need therapy.” (Another panic attack.)

3. Me: “Once again, you’ve turned something I find pleasurable back into torture.” Lemur: “Yesssss!”

2. “When I fail, at least it’s epic.” That’s my life in a nutshell, my friends.

1. Lemur: “You know how Elvis Duran wishes diarrhea on people? I wish an ass weasel upon him. Me: “Ass weasels are NOT real life!” (Same conversation as CTE. Lemur, for the win!)

On a more serious note, my fam received my best lines today, and the kids got hugs, because damn, kids need hugs after today. The “I love you”s may be few and far between, but I do love my Sista and Bro and their wonderful kids. May we never meet under such horrible circumstances again.

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