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  • Writer's pictureEdie Montreux

Two Dog Shortage

Two comforters? Check. Extra blanket? Check. Socks? Check. Thermal undershirt? Check. Granny panties? Check. Flannel pajamas? Check. Gloves? Check.


That’s right. When it’s a three dog night and you’ve only got one dog, you improvise.

Fresh after an outbreak of the flu, mother nature delivers her next whammy: bitter cold. Temperatures in the single digits, windchills into the double digits below zero. Now, granted, I don’t put much stock in windchill. I’m not going to go stand out in the cold. I’m quite mad, but I’m not THAT crazy.

I got the flu–THE FLU!–After I had my fucking flu shot. Good thing it was free. If you paid for your shot, I hope it protects you better than mine protected me.

I didn’t die, but I had some crazy dreams. I spent Sunday night in a recurring nightmare trying to fix the biggest eyesore in our manual. I woke up each time with a sigh of relief, saying, “Not my page!” only to have the same dream. I woke up with my alarm, thinking I would still be able to go to work Monday morning. Then, the room started spinning. Swear to God, John Rys-Davies stood (dwarf-sized) in my living room, saying, “Room spinning. Very bad, Indy.” Or…not.

I made it through muscle-ache Monday and managed to eat a couple of crackers for dinner before going back to bed. By couple, I mean two. Two crackers in 24 hours. No wonder I passed out at 2 a.m. By passed out, I mean tried to crash through the bathroom wall like Mr. Koolaid, only backwards.

I woke up staring at the light, trying to figure out why it was on. It’s nighttime, dammit. I’m trying to sleep! 

Yeah. Still lying on the bathroom floor.

I told Lemur about it Tuesday morning, along with my wise (and still fever-addled) decision to stay home. He said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you knocked into the fan.” He had to hold his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, but I still have a fever.”

Then he laughed. And I laughed. I kept laughing, because laughter is damn funny with a fever, which only made him laugh harder. Finally, he kissed me on the forehead and said he was glad I was all right before he headed to work.

And came home early because HE was sick.

We both made it through full workdays today, but food is not my friend. Neither is exercise. I will work out tomorrow. Maybe. But only if we make it through this three dog night.

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