You’d Better Work

I’m an asshole. That shouldn’t surprise any of you. If it does, I’ve done a very good job of not being an asshole around you. I can think of a handful of friends who have never watched me flip the fuck out on a deserving fucktard. I’m THAT asshole. The one who knows better before and after, but during, it feels so good to just let go and “Fuck It All”:

I’m loud. I’m mean. I make grown men cry. (No, not Lemur. I love my Lemur!)  The bad thing about being an asshole is karma. It always comes back to bite me.

When I talk about someone, it’s never behind their back. You know why? Someone is ALWAYS listening. (I think the NSA sends voice-mails.) The truth makes it back around. The person I don’t like immediately confronts me: “I’m not a lazy piece of shit and I’m going to get you fired.” Hasn’t happened yet (the firing part. The threat is real), but it makes for an uncomfortable work environment.

The honeymoon period at my new job is officially over. I now know who is here to work and who is here to get a check every two weeks. Not everyone pulls his or her weight. One person spends more time away-from-keyboard than working (when not “working from home”). When this person walks down the isle we share, I stop and wait, because I’m going to be the proverbial mall fountain, and I don’t like people touching me, so DON’T RUN INTO ME!

So of course, my coworker bestie and I are talking about this lazy person at lunch one day this week, and of course, we see the lazy person on our way back to the building…so now I’m waiting for the dreaded, “Be nice to your coworkers” talk.

“I’ll be nice when ___ does ___’s fucking job.”

AND THEN I’ll get fired for swearing. See how this works?

I’m going to suck it up and work harder. And pray every night that someone in our company has the fucking balls to fire people who don’t do shit. Yes, people need jobs, but we have BETTER people waiting to move up from customer service. People who won’t balk when assigned a task they’ve never done. People who aren’t trying to make Office Space a fucking reality.

If you’re in a job you hate right now, and this description fits you, please, for the love, sit down and have a long, hard chat with yourself about what type of work will make you happy. If you want to sit quietly at your computer and write processes, then and only then should you apply for my department.

If you want to play video games, be a tester. If you want to boss people around, retail may be a better fit for you. If you want to watch and critique movies and you’re a good writer, quit your job and become the best movie blogger out there. Find a niche. Exploit it. And get the fuck off my team if you didn’t come here to WORK.